Archive | November, 2011

Once you go shag, you never go back.

30 Nov

I have recently discovered that I’m a hoarder.

I own lots of random nothings. I went home for Thanksgiving and my mom decides that I must fully remove any sign that I ever lived in my old room. I think now is the appropriate time to mention that I’m moving back into this room in a week, but apparently it would make too much sense just to leave my old shit there. I must only have newer shit- nothing sentimental allowed, including my fluffy purple shag bedspread. What the hell? Nobody outgrows a treasure like this: Thankfully I convinced my mom to put it in the pile for our church’s rummage sale and not the garbage pile. Small victories. Anyways. I found notes from 6th grade where I wrote in code with my friends (the code was extremely hard to decipher with lots of smilies and winkies) and signed my closest secrets as LYLAS. Yes, that’s LYLAS as in Love Ya Like a Sister. It’s important that the Y is for ‘ya’ and not ‘you.’ For obvious reasons.

The funny thing is that I’m not even still friends with half of my old sisters and I threw the notes out without sadness.

But then, in the middle of all the insipid smudged LYLASes, a sparkle caught my eye. IT WAS MY OLD PROM CROWN. Don’t chastise me. Every girl is allowed to act like a girl and prance around when they find things like this. I was in Prom Court and I cannot tell you how terrified I was when it happened. But here this crown was, just waiting to be worn. Naturally I wore it for the rest of Thanksgiving Break. My family was only slightly worried, which was not surprising to me, but was surprising to the FedEx man that walked up as I was vacuuming my car in it. Whatever. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t wearing make-up either so the big eyes and the gasp could have been for multiple reasons. Again, whatever.

Tonight I have to go to my apartment and continue packing there to move back home. Much wine will be needed. Feel free to bring donations beginning around 6.

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If a girl walks towards a bush…

17 Nov

I was unfortunate enough to experience a personal drunk breakdown a few weeks ago while out Theo, his boys & AnisMandy. I was positive nobody loved me. Trust me, I’m embarrassed enough without the look you’re probably giving the screen right now. The incident is now commonly referred to as Blubber City Fest 2011 between those that enjoy continuing to embarrass me and myself as I need a constant reminder to get my shit together.

I was highly intoxicated and feeling ugly- therefore I broke into indiscernable sobs and the ugly cry that I am so fond of. You know how drunk girls do. I was still convinced that I could bounceback so I left the bar & we all went to Theo’s house for a little firepit action. Needless to say, I kept losing it. Anismandy was trying to be supportive as I kept inching away towards the bushes and trying to hide my irregular breathing from the males.

Theo walked up to us, offered us bottled water then walked away. I thought this was considerate concerning my appearance and delusional whispers that everyone hated me.

I kept inching towards the bushes and out of the lights trying to pull it together. Auburnfan walks up. Smiles then begins to realize the situation…

AF: Oh, man. Is something going on?

Anismandy: Um, yeah…

Me: Oh my gosh.

I turn away for fear of him seeing the ugly cry.

AF: Oh. Well. Are you ok? Was it me?

WAS IT HIM?! I’m sorry, but I’m losing my shit over here and you want to make it about you?! Those were the insane maniacal thoughts that went through my head as AnisMandy shooed him away.

I have never experienced a moment in my life when men cared and wanted to help a crying drunken mess. They generally avoid, avoid, avoid. Which I personally prefer given the state of my face at that time. (Full blown snot face and googly eyes)

THEN, Tallboy walks up and hugs me and Anismandy. All together. In one awkward 3-way hug. And I lost it all over again. He intuitively slunk away at this point.

Girls never want boys to see them cry. Unless it’s a fake cry. And then that’s a personal issue that I’m not even going into because fake cryers ruin the world for real cryers. But as an FYI- If a girl is walking towards a bush, it is never for something that involves a boy or will turn out well if you follow her.

Girls walk towards bushes for 3 main reasons:

1. To cry.

2. To sleep-I’ve actually personally witnessed my friend Disaster crawling into a bush after funneling wine for a ‘quick nap’

3. To relieve themself of some bodily fluid/gas. This one will work out the worst for anyone present so I encourage you to look for the warning signs: Furtive glances, awkward walks and dartiness.

Trust me on this boys. If a girl is headed for a bush, WALK AWAY.

It was just an air fart.

15 Nov

This past weekend I spent time with old friends in my hometown and reminisced of days gone by. We mostly just all talked shit to one another about other people’s weddings, their weddings (clearly not mine) and loads of other really lazy, senseless things. Short and sassy and Gizmo just registered for their wedding and told me some really sneaky tricks about registering ridiculous things onto other couples’ registries. They registered some friends for a rather dark-skinned Santa. Please keep in mind that the couple is not of the African American descent.

 …I SO hope they don’t notice the additions to their registry and open a large African Santa in their new house. I would be thankful for the culture and addition to my decorations. This couple, well. They will certainly try to return it. Most likely for cash. They will have no idea of the gem they will have received.

Yes, my friends are geniuses and wackjobs and one day soon we will all rule the world together. Maybe not so soon because we all live mostly in small towns in Alabama, but maybe one day we’ll rule the Country Club. I could settle for free alcohol & food and let others rule the world.

So while we were all sitting on the couch at 4o-Watt’s house we began discussing the terrifying and repugnant act of farting in front of your ‘significant other.’ Luckily I have done the silent but deadly and not the loud and terrifying RUN FOR THE HILLS fart in front of BF. Short and sassy was not so lucky. While staying at the Governor’s Mansion for another godforsaken wedding, she and Gizmo were preparing for a night out. S&S thought she heard the hotel door close and thought Gizmo had stepped out so she snuck into the potty. & then she let it rip. As Gizmo says, “It was nothing but air. No cheekage whatsoever.” HER CHEEKS NEVER TOUCHED! That’s a gift folks.

This is when Short and Sassy tried to die and disappear and considered flushing herself instead of facing the giggles outside the door as Gizmo asked if she was ok. Yeah, he totally asked if she was ok. I thought it was nice.

I poured her some wine and we went back to the black santa topic…much less controversial.

Not the day of rest.

3 Nov

This past Saturday the BF and I hosted a Halloween bash in North Carolina. It was quite a hit if I do say so myself. We had creepy things stashed in dusty corners and two equally terrifying punches that led to many improvised serenades of Britney Spears and Rihanna. BF and I were Batman and Robin- I was not allowed to be BMan, go figure. BF got quite rowdy with his cape at times and could be found jumping over the fire trying to convince my dog Lillian to follow. Most of the party-goers did not think this was a good idea, but there were some that cheered it on. Go figure, again. Luckily Lillian had the good sense to ignore him and kept sneaking punch and beer instead from unattended cups. Smart dog.

By the end of the night I was trying to stumble up and down the stairs and keep an eye on the strangers that kept showing up. Like every legit party we had people that no one would claim show up, some of who spilled red wine on the tile floor and then tried to drink it up with a straw to ‘avoid wastage.’ The girl with the straw said this. I didn’t want to correct her as the total wastage, so I stood aside. I totally respected her effort, but did not respect the bare ass that ended up in my face. The girl was in full-blown skank attire and wearing a scrap of material as undies. Thankfully her bungalow was well cared for or it would have been far more awkward for me than it was.

Sunday was a day of rest and recovery. Just kididng. I was treated by my now ex-friends to the 7-hour drive back. Luckily my road rage happened in 40-Watt’s new Explorer and people actually moved out of my way. For some reason, people don’t respect a 4-door sedan nearly as much.