If a girl walks towards a bush…

17 Nov

I was unfortunate enough to experience a personal drunk breakdown a few weeks ago while out Theo, his boys & AnisMandy. I was positive nobody loved me. Trust me, I’m embarrassed enough without the look you’re probably giving the screen right now. The incident is now commonly referred to as Blubber City Fest 2011 between those that enjoy continuing to embarrass me and myself as I need a constant reminder to get my shit together.

I was highly intoxicated and feeling ugly- therefore I broke into indiscernable sobs and the ugly cry that I am so fond of. You know how drunk girls do. I was still convinced that I could bounceback so I left the bar & we all went to Theo’s house for a little firepit action. Needless to say, I kept losing it. Anismandy was trying to be supportive as I kept inching away towards the bushes and trying to hide my irregular breathing from the males.

Theo walked up to us, offered us bottled water then walked away. I thought this was considerate concerning my appearance and delusional whispers that everyone hated me.

I kept inching towards the bushes and out of the lights trying to pull it together. Auburnfan walks up. Smiles then begins to realize the situation…

AF: Oh, man. Is something going on?

Anismandy: Um, yeah…

Me: Oh my gosh.

I turn away for fear of him seeing the ugly cry.

AF: Oh. Well. Are you ok? Was it me?

WAS IT HIM?! I’m sorry, but I’m losing my shit over here and you want to make it about you?! Those were the insane maniacal thoughts that went through my head as AnisMandy shooed him away.

I have never experienced a moment in my life when men cared and wanted to help a crying drunken mess. They generally avoid, avoid, avoid. Which I personally prefer given the state of my face at that time. (Full blown snot face and googly eyes)

THEN, Tallboy walks up and hugs me and Anismandy. All together. In one awkward 3-way hug. And I lost it all over again. He intuitively slunk away at this point.

Girls never want boys to see them cry. Unless it’s a fake cry. And then that’s a personal issue that I’m not even going into because fake cryers ruin the world for real cryers. But as an FYI- If a girl is walking towards a bush, it is never for something that involves a boy or will turn out well if you follow her.

Girls walk towards bushes for 3 main reasons:

1. To cry.

2. To sleep-I’ve actually personally witnessed my friend Disaster crawling into a bush after funneling wine for a ‘quick nap’

3. To relieve themself of some bodily fluid/gas. This one will work out the worst for anyone present so I encourage you to look for the warning signs: Furtive glances, awkward walks and dartiness.

Trust me on this boys. If a girl is headed for a bush, WALK AWAY.

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One Response to “If a girl walks towards a bush…”

  1. Anismandy November 17, 2011 at 3:35 pm #

    Haha I think you mean Blubber City Awesome Fest. After you left Auburnfan was still concerned that it was his fault. And Tallboy peed on a giant vase in Theo’s two-toned concrete pool area. Theo, thanks for the water!

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