Tag Archives: wine

Awkward Family Photos. But in real life.

13 Dec

This picture is a prime example of what you hope and do not hope will be present at your longtime boyfriend’s family Christmas party:

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A perfect, well-rounded family of stache wearers. However, what I discovered at my man candy’s Christmas gathering in LA (Lower Alabama) was much more entertaining and equally disturbing… I was given a glimpse of who could possibly be attending my future wedding that may or may not happen with aforementioned boy toy. I don’t have any bling on my left hand, so this is still an up-in-the-air occasion, but as I am moving in with him in a matter of weeks, it needs to turn into a very rock-laden left hand ASAP.

I digress. We arrived Friday night to his aunt and uncle’s trailer out in the woods somewhere. If I had to describe where I was or I would die, I would be dead right now. It was between a house and a tilled field. Immediately upon arrival, the shooting begins and the whiskey is passed ’round. I learned a lot of things this weekend and grammar was not one. The males shot up all kinds of things in the dark, completely oblivious of the fact that there are living creatures that expect to not be shot at in the dark. My concern was a lost cause when I began helping throw buckets into a spotlight and chugging whiskey like a champ. We left his Uncle’s for his cousins trailer that is about 30 min away. Upon arrival, I immediately discover that they have baby chicks living in a cage in their house while they get big enough to live outside. I may or may not have tried to take one fluffy chick to sleep with me. Unfortunately, the alcohol I had inhaled weakened my stealth and I was caught.

Saturday morning, we head back to the Aunt and Uncle’s for the day’s festivities. I realize that I have forgotten to mention they rented a bouncy house for this occasion. I was uncharacteristically impressed with how prepared they were for the unruly pack of children that would arrive throughout the day. Throughout the following hours, I learned that some relatives are meant to be seen once a year and fall under the category of ‘sketchy.’ But there are some that are meant to be coveted like the one that snuck me homemade moonshine all day. I can always appreciate someone with a passion for getting drunk. I thankfully got to shoot a shotgun and learn about ammunition and also got to pour gasoline on a massive fire with lots of dried leaves and things around it. I really lived on the edge.

After this weekend I am more committed than ever to have a destination wedding. It can still be in the US, but above the Mason-Dixon Line. I think this will deter many people from coming and make me feel more comfortable about having an open bar and not having to collect firearms before guests enter the church.

Once you go shag, you never go back.

30 Nov

I have recently discovered that I’m a hoarder.

I own lots of random nothings. I went home for Thanksgiving and my mom decides that I must fully remove any sign that I ever lived in my old room. I think now is the appropriate time to mention that I’m moving back into this room in a week, but apparently it would make too much sense just to leave my old shit there. I must only have newer shit- nothing sentimental allowed, including my fluffy purple shag bedspread. What the hell? Nobody outgrows a treasure like this: Thankfully I convinced my mom to put it in the pile for our church’s rummage sale and not the garbage pile. Small victories. Anyways. I found notes from 6th grade where I wrote in code with my friends (the code was extremely hard to decipher with lots of smilies and winkies) and signed my closest secrets as LYLAS. Yes, that’s LYLAS as in Love Ya Like a Sister. It’s important that the Y is for ‘ya’ and not ‘you.’ For obvious reasons.

The funny thing is that I’m not even still friends with half of my old sisters and I threw the notes out without sadness.

But then, in the middle of all the insipid smudged LYLASes, a sparkle caught my eye. IT WAS MY OLD PROM CROWN. Don’t chastise me. Every girl is allowed to act like a girl and prance around when they find things like this. I was in Prom Court and I cannot tell you how terrified I was when it happened. But here this crown was, just waiting to be worn. Naturally I wore it for the rest of Thanksgiving Break. My family was only slightly worried, which was not surprising to me, but was surprising to the FedEx man that walked up as I was vacuuming my car in it. Whatever. Now that I think about it, I wasn’t wearing make-up either so the big eyes and the gasp could have been for multiple reasons. Again, whatever.

Tonight I have to go to my apartment and continue packing there to move back home. Much wine will be needed. Feel free to bring donations beginning around 6.

It was just an air fart.

15 Nov

This past weekend I spent time with old friends in my hometown and reminisced of days gone by. We mostly just all talked shit to one another about other people’s weddings, their weddings (clearly not mine) and loads of other really lazy, senseless things. Short and sassy and Gizmo just registered for their wedding and told me some really sneaky tricks about registering ridiculous things onto other couples’ registries. They registered some friends for a rather dark-skinned Santa. Please keep in mind that the couple is not of the African American descent.

 …I SO hope they don’t notice the additions to their registry and open a large African Santa in their new house. I would be thankful for the culture and addition to my decorations. This couple, well. They will certainly try to return it. Most likely for cash. They will have no idea of the gem they will have received.

Yes, my friends are geniuses and wackjobs and one day soon we will all rule the world together. Maybe not so soon because we all live mostly in small towns in Alabama, but maybe one day we’ll rule the Country Club. I could settle for free alcohol & food and let others rule the world.

So while we were all sitting on the couch at 4o-Watt’s house we began discussing the terrifying and repugnant act of farting in front of your ‘significant other.’ Luckily I have done the silent but deadly and not the loud and terrifying RUN FOR THE HILLS fart in front of BF. Short and sassy was not so lucky. While staying at the Governor’s Mansion for another godforsaken wedding, she and Gizmo were preparing for a night out. S&S thought she heard the hotel door close and thought Gizmo had stepped out so she snuck into the potty. & then she let it rip. As Gizmo says, “It was nothing but air. No cheekage whatsoever.” HER CHEEKS NEVER TOUCHED! That’s a gift folks.

This is when Short and Sassy tried to die and disappear and considered flushing herself instead of facing the giggles outside the door as Gizmo asked if she was ok. Yeah, he totally asked if she was ok. I thought it was nice.

I poured her some wine and we went back to the black santa topic…much less controversial.